Over the years I seem to have amused and overjoyed many friends and co-workers by means of composing funny poems and writing them of their birthday cards. I even have now determined to publish my anthology of wit, humour and downright rudeness for the arena to enjoy!
These rhymes have proven to be in particular popular with women – demonstrating how merciless and heartless the ‘gentler’ sex may be to the guys in their lives. They can be copied into birthday cards, Father’s Day playing cards, Christmas playing cards, or clearly cut and pasted onto an e-mail … In reality they can be used every time someone you know needs cheering up – or bringing down a peg or two!
Many of the poems rely heavily on the shortcomings of we negative men; ie, drunkenness, out of control flatulence, lecherousness, accurate old fashioned plain laziness, incapability to grasp DIY, thinning hair, suspiciously thickening midriff and many others, and many others. Characteristics which I’m sure apply to some extent to all husbands, boyfriends and sons.
You will see that each poem carries a person’s first call, but now not as a part of the rhyme. In different words, you may effortlessly ‘personalise’ the rhyme by means of replacing the name with the call of the man or woman you would like to ship it to. (This works satisfactory if the names have the identical range of syllables. For instance, ‘Bob’ may be modified to John, Dave, Mick, Paul and many others; ‘Andy’ may be changed to Simon, Roger, Alan and so forth).
For anything purpose you decide to ship one, the negative unsuspecting fellow will acquire a very fun rhyme poking fun at some of his – shall we embrace – less romantic characteristics. A feasible side impact is that he will also be impressed at your wit, humour and resourcefulness – however please don’t anticipate him to admit to that. Here they are;
Ian does not just like it,
When you tell him he is dropping his hair;
And he gets just a little bit grumpy,
When you factor out his tyre is spare.
So be sensitive now it’s his birthday,
And recollect, the man’s now not bionic;
Sit him down in his chair, do not point out the hair
And pour him a big Gin and Tonic.
John likes booze and John likes women, He doesn’t like going for walks and he does not like swimming; He likes sitting down and he likes eating grub, He doesn’t like paintings however he does just like the pub.
Being John’s Missus is a ache in the neck, When he clothes up smart, he still looks a spoil! He thinks posh restaurants and theatres are above him, But I suppose all these things are simply motives I love him!
There as soon as turned into a young man called Laurence,
Who when urinating did so in torrents,
When requested, “Was it Venice
That stimulated this risk?”
He replied, “No, I learnt it in Florence”.
Matthew needs offers for his birthday, Matthew desires jewellery and cars, Matthew wants to go out to restaurants, And meet fabulous ladies in bars.
Well I’ve got a present for Matthew, For this playboy who thinks he’s so cool, It’s what he got me for my birthday, Coincidentally that’s B*GGER ALL!
Nigel is a gentleman, It isn’t only a pose;
His shoes are constantly polished, And he by no means selections his nostril.
He opens doorways for ladies, And gives them his seat;
His nails are in no way grimy, And his hair is always neat.
But whilst it is Nigel’s birthday, He loses all his elegance;
He has an awful lot to drink, And finally ends up on his a*se!
Peter once I examine you, I consider when you have been twenty-,
Your hair changed into thick, your wrinkles few, And you didn’t spend see you later inside the loo!
Robert, in your birthday, I want you to loosen up;
Sit down and placed your ft up, And I’ll carry you drinks and snacks.
I’ll do all of the family chores, And placed your garments away;
In reality it won’t be a great deal extraordinary, To every other day!
Vince, Vince, what can the problem be, You’re becoming Les Battersby,
It’s your birthday on Saturday, So for crying out loud mate CHEER UP!
Alan you already know I love you, You’re honestly very candy;
In reality I’d call you best If it wasn’t on your toes!
Brian has a trouble, He’s older than earlier than,
And now that it’s his birthday, He feels a little sore.
But Brian shouldn’t fear, Or mooch across the house,
Because what he lacks in youthfulness, He makes up for with nouse!
Charlie likes to have a drink, And he is often in a rush;
But preserve your distance in the morning, If he is been out for a curry!
David, Happy Birthday Love, I’ve stored you dressed and fed;
Now I ask just one element of you – Please stop farting in mattress!
Frank, your birthday’s here once more, So it’s a very good time just to sit
And wonder why for the rest of the 12 months, You’re this type of miserable git!!
Eddie, now you are ageing, And your hair is going grey;
I even have a few phrases to say to you, On this your unique day.
You’re generous, smart, good-looking, kind, And all your jokes are humorous;
But the best issue about you Dear, Is all your lovable cash!
Gary constantly receives inebriated on his birthday, Once he is began, he just can’t forestall;
So he usually gets slung out the boozer, And comes home with unwell down his pinnacle!
Harry’s the ideal husband, For 364 days of the year,
But he does pass off course on his birthday, By looking to drown in beer!
Tony’s superb at doing jobs across the house,
When it comes to DIY you couldn’t discover a better spouse;
So I concept that for his birthday I would get him something desirable,
To help him with the patio or bevelling of wooden.
Should or not it’s a power drill, or something else via Bosch?
A Black and Decker sander or a Karcher energy wash?
But in the end I notion, you shouldn’t restore what isn’t always damaged,
So I did similar to ultimate 12 months – offered a 10 pound document token!
There once turned into a fella called Kevin,
For whom being in a pub changed into just heaven,
When supplied a drink,
He did not should suppose,
He would say, “Not just one, I’ll have seven”!
Today is Dennis’s birthday, And he will possibly exit to play,
I consider ultimate 12 months he knocked again so much beer, He ended up on Crimewatch UK!
Simon likes to go out together with his buddies, Simon loves to take ladies out on dates,
He likes fish and chips and he likes Man United, And Keira Knightley receives him truely excited.
He’ll go out on his birthday and paint the city red,
He’ll drink the bar dry then take cod and chips to mattress,
He’ll lie there wishing that Manchester was closer,
Then he’s going to drop off to sleep and dream about Keira.
Andy do not need no offers for his birthday, Andy do not need unique grub;
Andy do not want no cards and kisses, He simply wants to go to the pub!
Barry is a nuisance on his birthday to be honest, All the standard sorts of items he does not like in any respect;
If you have not spent a fortune he will thinks your gift’s modest, So this yr I’ve decided that he is getting B*GGER ALL!
Elliot pretty loves to birthday party On his birthday, with friends far and extensive;
But interestingly the subsequent morning, He just desires to curl up and disguise!
Happy birthday Timothy, Go out and have a few a laugh;
Keep up your recognition as A Lazy Drunken Bum!